Well, hello. So you’ve reached the upper echelons of management – well, one of the upper echelons, anyway – and you’re going to have to make people redundant. Why? Well, the company’s only making a gazillion pounds worth of profit this year and that’s down on our unrealistic forecast of five thousand bagazillion pounds of profit, so we’re going to have to lose some people.

Why people? Because they fuck us all off, to be honest. Especially those that have cigarette breaks or those that TALK during the working day. Let’s get shot of those fuckers first.

But hang on, those women called Karen in HR (can’t we fire them first?) say that we can’t just fire people because we don’t like them. We have to find reasons for firing the people we dislike. Hmm. Making people redundant is more difficult than it at first appeared. I mean, all you want to do is randomly cull those shits you call employees every so often so that you can save a few more gazillion pounds and give it all to your mate who happens to work as a consultant. What’s wrong with the world?

First of all, draw up a list of shits

You probably already have it in your head. In fact, you probably go to bed every night thinking “I wish I could get rid of that annoying tosser Hugo from Marketing. He talks too much. He’s probably not working enough, although I can’t prove it. But he just talks all the time, his voice fucks me off. If I had a knife, oh the things I would do to him.”

So get yourself a list of people you’d like to see exiting the company tomorrow, so at least you have a basis from which to work. Think of it as pruning, like a rose bush. You’re only doing it to help the roses grow!

Now, go to HR and say “what can I do?”

HR are usually a bit more clued up about what you’re doing, but hey ho, you’re the boss. So say “Hi, Karens, I’d like to fire everyone on this list. Can you make it happen?”

The Karens will come back with some legal shit, such as “you can only make 10% of the company redundant in one go” so you may have to do it in chunks. And then they’ll tell you “oh but you can’t discriminate” or some shit like that. Pah! Discriminate? Moi? I’m only trying to get rid of the ones I hate.

One of the Karens will then help you draft a communication that you can send out. Make sure it sounds like you’re in trouble, but not too much that you frighten off the people you still need, and make sure that it sounds like you’re going to come out of this stronger.

Do say: we regret to announce that we will be putting 50 people at risk of redundancy due to the competitive nature of our industry and external pressure upon our business.

Don’t say: we’re getting rid of 50 of you ugly fuckers as my mate’s a consultant and needs a new conservatory putting in so he’s coming in to talk about our value proposition for a gazillion pounds a minute. Can you believe the cost of conservatories these days? Jeez, I tell you – the COST of things these days, it’s just out of control, but hey ho what can you do. Anyway, I thought you’d understand. Thanks. I’ve been the boss, and you’ve been brilliant. Bye!

Now, prepare the groundwork

Just like roses, it’s all about preparing the ground work. If you’re going to spend time pruning so that the roses grow better, let’s do some preparation. So – time to make that company-wide announcement. If you’ve got several locations, send a director to each one, so that they can announce the redundancies at exactly the same time. This stops the plebs leaking it by e-mail.

This is the difficult bit – keeping a straight face. Yes, try not to smile too much as you’re reading out the carefully worded communication prepared by Karen, and if possible, don’t look anyone in the face. Especially if you’re making them redundant. Always end with some questions, and carefully avoid answering them.

Now, sit back and have a cup of tea

Your job is done now. Well done, you. You can now outsource the shit to your middle managers and the Karens in HR who can pull people into offices, make them cry, put them through several weeks’ waiting around for a ‘decision’ to be made (apparently, it’s the law), before you have pruned your workforce.

Are they gone yet? Can I come out of my office?

In time, you’ll have got rid of your first wave of shits, and you can come out saying “we’re all in this together” and “we’ll be stronger as a result”, but you’ve still got some people you don’t like. In fact, what a shame you have to employ people AT ALL. They have problems and shit. In fact, why do they have to shit at all – how much are they costing you for going to the loo? Perhaps you can draw up your next list by recording the toilet times of all your employees.

“John, you have an average of three shits a day and this is severely affecting your productivity levels. Have you thought about a low-fibre diet? Otherwise, we’re going to have to let you go.”

Tagged with: