Managers are shit, aren’t they. I mean, really shit. They spend their days trying to justify their existence through the wonder of PowerPoint slides, and worrying about how they can keep their jobs when everyone finds out that they can’t actually DO anything. And taking advice is something that insults the manager’s ego.

Because advice is like going up to a manager and saying “hey, you’re wrong on everything” or “I want your job, fuckface”, which of course it isn’t. It’s just advice.

So the manager has an idea and everyone says “bad idea, don’t do it” but (s)he goes ahead with the plan, creates a PowerPoint deck with fuckloads of transitions in it so that it looks like there’s a thought process behind it, presents it to everyone and everyone says “hm, yeah but no this is still stupid” and the manager goes ahead with the plan.

Oh, yeah, and then it all fails. As always. So how do you deal with a manager who never, ever listens to you?

1) Let them fail first

They deserve it. It’s like children, you have to let them learn through their mistakes, don’t you. The difference is that children have the ability to learn from them. Managers have risen to a position beyond their own capability, which means that mistakes are a given. So let them fail. Like a dog chasing parked cars. Let them do it.

2) Make it sound like it was your fault

This is wily, but you’re doing two things – you’re insinuating that your manager is unable to coach you properly, and secondly, you’re massaging your manager’s ego. This is the only thing your manager has left – the ego. So stroke it. Take it out for dinner. Say this:

I’m a little worried that I am unable to get my message across in a clear and succinct manner.

3) Now, ask for help – stroke that ego big time.

I wondered if you could help coach me on this? You see, when I advised you not to go ahead with the plan to throw at least five sales executives off the top floor of the building, and told you it would be a health & safety issue, I’m not sure I expressed it in the right manner. Would you be able to coach me on some communication skills so I can better get my message across in future?

There is absolutely NO CHANCE that your manager will see what you’re doing here. All they’ll hear is “can you coach me” which instantly says “they love me, they love me, they love me, I must go masturbate in front of the mirror RIGHT NOW” and don’t worry about having to spend ANY time being coached on communication skills because they’re far too busy putting powerpoint slides together for their own stupid fucking boss who never listens to them either.

Because any corporation is a hierarchy of people with their hands over their ears shouting “I can’t hear you for the sound of my own wanking”. Unless there’s a consultant in town, in which case they’re wanking someone else.

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