How To Survive At Work
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"Management"
Managers are shit, aren’t they. I mean, really shit. They spend their days trying to justify their existence through the wonder of PowerPoint slides, and worrying about how they can keep their jobs when everyone finds out that they can’t actually DO anything. And taking advice is something that insults the manager’s ego.
Because advice […]
Well, hello. So you’ve reached the upper echelons of management – well, one of the upper echelons, anyway – and you’re going to have to make people redundant. Why? Well, the company’s only making a gazillion pounds worth of profit this year and that’s down on our unrealistic forecast of five thousand bagazillion pounds of […]
Well it’s about that time of year when you have to start thinking about OBJECTIVES, or goals, or whatever you want to call them. Basically, things that you say you’re going to do that, at the end of the year, you’ll be forced to refer to and say “hey, remember 12 months ago when we […]
corporate hokey-cokey (n): the act of taking one decision, reversing it a year later, only to revert back to the original decision the next year.
Your Senior Leaders, whoever they might be, are well remunerated people. And they should be – after all, they never see their families and they’re only a heartbeat away from […]
silver bullet (n): the new strategy, usually written on the bag of a cigarette pack, that means that last year’s sales figures will be improved by 200%. Always misses its target.
Imagine, if you will… one of France’s major wine-producing Chateaux has been taken over by a former Sales Director and Management Consultant. As they […]
Consultant (n): Highly-paid person who asks you for your watch, tells you the time, and charges you £50,000 for the pleasure
That’s not my definition, actually, that came from someone I used to work with who observed, quite correctly, that the company was being fleeced by people who knew less than we did. They were […]
Shit magnet (n): A new manager or director who arrives in a new business and promptly finds himself surrounded by brown-nosers, arse-lickers, pooh-claimers and assorted office fuckwits.
Directors usually spend a couple of years in a job at most. This is usually because there’s an offer of bigger money from somewhere else, […]
non-believer (n): person who does not believe that this year’s strategy is the “chosen path” for the business, and has demonstrated either vocally or non-vocally their disagreement with the “chosen path”
What’s the most disturbing aspect of the following situation?
The Managing Director of a mid to large-sized business stands up at a sales conference, […]
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