Have you defined the north star yet? No, really, have you? Come on, people, define the fucking north star.

Watch this bucket-load of crap from sugar-murderers Coca-Cola and then come back to me, if you’re able to get through all ten minutes without killing yourself.

You didn’t watch it all, did you. Never mind. I don’t blame you. Somewhere buried in this shitpile of corporate cockyoghurt was the phrase “define the north star”.

To define the north star (verb): to set your main objective & strategic direction

Marketers never really fail to surprise me. Most of them are wankers in ties wishing that they could go back to the internet bubble where everyone walked around in sandals and worked on bean bags or something. Instead, they’ve hit upon the reality that no, the world is not like FUCKING GOOGLE and in fact, GOOGLE is not like GOOGLE – the world’s shit and it’s full of wankers with powerpoints banging on about leveraging something or other. I don’t know. Whatever they’re doing, they’re leveraging it.

That’s what marketers do, and to make the time go slightly faster, they create wanky new phrases. It lessens the pain, I guess.

Anyhoo, this gem is a new one on me. Let’s define the north star, shall we? It’s Polaris, you cunts. That’s the fucking north star. Polaris. That big one in the sky, somewhere to the north of you. That’s the north star.

And why are you asking us to define the north star? Did you turn to us because of our knowledge of astronomy or are you trying to prove what a fancy-vocabularied cocknugget you are by using phrases like “define the north star”?

Let’s mix it up, shall we… “It’s a new liquid world, we have a new creative North Star”. Hey, people – Polaris has got a pencil out and is DRAWING PICTURES. Oh no, it’s creating an art installation. Fuck it, it’s gone south. And the world has turned liquid, by the way, if you hadn’t noticed. Yes, Coca-Cola have finally realised that the earth is mostly water, and that their sugar-murder product is also liquid, unless you boil it down and evaporate off the liquid and then you’ll discover that it’s actually just faeces.

How to create your own wanky marketing phrases

Well, if you’re going to get anywhere in this world, you’re going to have to talk like the wankers. One easy method is to find yourself a theme, and start building your repertoire of wanky marketing phrases around that theme.

For instance, I met one Director whose repertoire was built exclusively around water. “Let’s not boil the ocean”, he would say, before warning that we shouldn’t “rock the boat” and asking whether your theory “holds any water”. It’s basic entry-level stuff, but it works. What you’re effectively doing is throwing out your wanky marketing phrases to confuse people for a split second – it throws them off the scent of bullshit that you’re spraying around because you – like everyone else – haven’t done any work, and haven’t prepared for this question, this meeting, or this job.

You need your wanky marketing phrases because they’re the smoke bombs that hide your tracks. So let’s pick a theme – for example, trains, and let’s start modifying our standard marketing phrases:

Instead of “We need a better marketing plan” (or the millions of variants), say “We need to TGV our marketing strategy ASAP”.

Instead of “We need to invest more in online marketing”, say “We need to latch more financial carriages to the online marketing train before it leaves the station.”

Instead of “We may need to extend the deadline”, say “I need to flag up a signal problem on the line to this project delivery”.

What are your wanky marketing phrases? Do let me know in the comments…

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