Have a look at this dame:


She’s a people-centric HR professional. She’s not a HR professional, oh no folks, she’s a people-centric one.

That’s my favourite kind. I’ve worked with some people-hating HR professionals, and I’ve worked with some HR professionals who’ve tagged themselves with completely irrelevant adjectives such as ice-cream loving or cat-stroking, but people-centric ones really do rock.

They’re like, so in tune with their jobs. I mean, HR… people… – who’d have thunk there might be a CONNECTION?

What is people-centric anyway? Doesn’t it just mean that everything you do revolves around people? OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOES, YOU’RE IN HR. Mary-Anne Osborne has managed to pimp her job title by adding an objective describing what it does.

I mean, if I wanted a motor mechanic, I’d want one who was ‘car-centric’. If the lazy sod told me he was ‘bike-centric’, I don’t think I’d bother with him. If he went and told me that he was ‘rather-fond-of-holidays-centric’ then I’d just go to bloody Kwikfit wouldn’t I.

Still, tagging yourself is what it’s all about, so here’s a quick guide to pimping your LinkedIn profile so that you’re no longer ‘just what you do’…

1)   Be –centric about your job
If you have ANYTHING to do with people, be people-centric, or customer-centric. This basically means that you’re kind of OK with people, and not a total bastard. Because if you weren’t people-centric and had to deal with people, you’d be what is known in the industry as a cunt.

If you have nothing whatsoever to do with people, but for example, you make nuts and bolts in a factory – call yourself ‘nut-centric’. You really care about the nuts, you see. You live and breathe nuts. And bolts. Don’t discriminate.

2)   Be –driven or –focused about your results
Now that we’re people-centric, but we need to be driven about something. Being ‘driven’ means being mad like fuck about something. Like, you can’t sleep because of it. You’re so driven by it you come out in hives at the thought of it. Results-driven is popular, to the point that it no longer means anything, because if you’re not results-driven, you’re a banker at JP Morgan or something like that.

Metrics-driven implies that you LOVE data – in other words, you look at spreadsheets all day. Get you! A nerd with a double-barrelled adjective. That covers a lot of professions. Again, if you make nuts and bolts – why not be perfection-driven? You freak.

3)   Be passionate about something
Yeah, so now you’re a people-centric, results-driven something professional, why not add “passionate about…” something too? You could be passionate about ‘achieving stellar growth’ which means ‘making more money’ or ‘driving value’ which means ‘making more money’, or ‘creating value-chain efficiencies through best practice’ which means ‘making more money’. You could just put ‘making more money’ but saying what you mean ain’t in vogue these days. That sucks.

So let’s cobble that all back together. If you work for JP Morgan you’re a ‘loss-driven, cash-centric Banking Professional, passionate about betting wads of cash that’s not your own’. Sounds better than Banker, doesn’t it.

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