If you’re new to the workplace, then you’ve got a whole new language to learn. It’s a bit like French, but spoken by even bigger wankers. However, worry not – you too can speak this ever-evolving language with our handy guide.

Don’t say: Do you have five minutes to talk through my work?

Do say: Could I grab five minutes’ facetime to synergise our thought processes?

Management bullshit has moved on since the days of ‘getting our ducks in a row’, although 10 points if you do hear someone saying that. No, today, it’s a much more fluid language, full of made-up bullshit. Facetime is a great example. What is facetime? Time with someone’s face? Not a very appealing thought. Extend that out and you have a million new phrases – eartime for a phone call, for example. “Can I grab ten minutes eartime with you?”

We’ve come a long way from the early days of communication, to the extent that we’re asking for a specific kind of time from people – that of their face. Is this because we spend so much time in front of our computers e-mailing each other, that actually sitting down in front of someone is seen as an event worthy of a noun?

Equally, synergise is a great word to pop in at any opportunity, as are its varients, synergies and synergising. What are you doing today? I’m synergising my team’s action points from the last meeting (= I’m doing fuck all).

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